From Private to Public


Most mornings I wake up with things already rolling around in my mind. I don’t usually dream, so I am not sure why I do that. This morning I had the sense that the time of my transition is coming to an end.

But what am I transitioning from and to?

Yes, my life has changed dramatically over the past three years. And I have been in transition before. But this transition seems different. It is not just recovering from one life crisis that leads to a leveling out and a more normal living on.

Then I get it—the words are just there: “From private to public.”

Those of us who suffer from the affects of the impostor phenomenon fear success just as much as we fear failure. I know that may seem strange to some of you, but it makes sense to me. One “success” for the impostor does not bring with it an inch of confidence. It does bring a twinge of exhilaration . . . but that twinge is followed by a blast of silent mocking for even thinking about it. Success: Impossible. Unthinkable. Unrepeatable.

I consider myself an introvert and a private one at that. What I am being drawn toward is uncomfortable, and yet, I am always moving forward, moving onward, pressing through fear barriers, climbing over obstacles, straining to see over the next challenge, listening for the Voice that leads me through to the next thing.

I am not a driven person . . . but I do have a drive inside me. When my dad asked me years ago why I couldn’t “just be normal,” I was a little hurt and a lot puzzled. But that question has been answered over the years since he asked it. My hurt has turned to a kind of happiness that comes from getting to know myself better and from leaning in to that call to stay as true to my inner longings as I can . . . at the stage of awareness that I find myself . . . during the changing seasons that are my life.